Donkey Induced Reflection
What type of self reflection can be brought on by a donkey? Well not so much the donkeys themselves, as conversations about them. I was speaking to my friend on the phone telling her I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about donkeys for three days. On our hike, at the summit of the mountain we were greeted by donkeys coming up the other side. One had collapsed in exhaustion when it reached the top, the others then stumbled down the steep rocky descent, their joints groaning under the weight of the load they were carrying, They were going over on their ankles, knees buckling beneath them. The very last donkey was physically unable to carry on, so was then kicked violently down the mountain by his handler. Upon witnessing this I obviously started to cry lol (See picture of me at the summit about to cry). From that moment on all I could think about were the donkeys and cried half way down the mountain. Anyway, I’m telling my friend all of this on the phone, how heartbreaking it is and how people wouldn’t use them if they knew the reality of using donkeys on tours. To which she responded “This is typical Keely, you always have to be someone’s saviour… now it’s the donkeys!”
Me about to cry at the donkeys
At the time I laughed, “yeah, typical me haha”, but then I sat wide awake for three hours that night thinking about the ‘you always have to be someone’s saviour’ part. She had said maybe time on the other side of the world should be for me to stop needing to always be involved in something, to stop trying to fix people and think about my self. So I lay in bed thinking about this, wondering what it would be like if I didn’t always want to wage into battle on behalf of the underdog (or in this case underdonkey). So I’m lying wide awake questioning everything about my own personality and trying to think about anyone else I know who also “always has to be someone’s saviour”. Maybe they are egotistical, maybe wanting to help people is all a farce and we are truly selfish at the core. Then I realise the perfect person who fits this description my friend had for me... my dad.
My little sister and I have always said, “Dad is too good for his own good”. Whether its bringing home the drunk homeless guy (who clearly fancied my mum) to give him showers and food, or giving up a spare room in our house to recovering addicts, or being a personal taxi service for the Syrian refugees, or the various committees he is on trying to help the underprivileged, or just befriending broken people and bringing them out for coffee every time you think you are getting some alone father daughter time. The man has his thumb in so many pies its hard to keep track!
Last year I bought my dad a book called “The Best Yes” in the hope he would realise he doesn’t always have to try and help everyone because he is spreading himself too thin. How ironic that I’m trying to tell my dad that sometimes he needs to look after himself and his family and not always try to be everyone’s saviour, and here I am being told the same thing a year later (on a much smaller scale). As I think about my dad and how infuriating he can be, I am deeply aware that he does it all from a place of love. There is no egotistical nature in him at all, he doesn’t try to help people to make himself look or feel good, even when the things he’s involved in are ridiculously stressful, time consuming, emotionally and physically draining – the man can’t help himself! It would actually hurt him to watch people suffer if he thought he could make a difference. I lay there in bed thinking about all this, becoming fully aware that this is me.
Philly says I’m turning into my dad and in turn he is becoming my mum. His perfect example was when some donkeys arrived where we had set up camp, I obviously had to stroke them, show them love and try feed them (all captured on video), Philly then had to shout at them to go away as they started to invade our camp and were going to end up eating all our stuff and trampling our tent. He told me this was the perfect metaphor for my dad and mum. Where dad always wants to show everyone love and help them and welcome them in, and mum is the one that has to shoo them away, but ultimately to protect us. Now I see that Philly doesn’t want to shout at the donkeys, but I put him in a situation where he has to, and this is genuinely the same as my mum and all the ‘cronies’ dad has brought into our lives. I have so much love and respect for my parents, it’s only as I grow older and start to turn into them, do I really understand how they shaped each other.
Anyway, where am I going with this all... I barely know myself.
I think all this donkey prompted reflection has made me realise that I am my father, and it would be psychologically painful for me to stop trying to be involved and help the metaphorical (and actual) donkeys. So my friends recommendation to focus on myself while in South America would ultimately leave me completely miserable and empty. However, equally I am aware I don’t want to turn Philly into my poor mother, so it seems I need to find some sort of balance.
I think the desire to be a ‘saviour’ is not some egotistical selfish desire to make yourself feel good, I genuinely think it is something innately human. If you seen an abandoned baby animal - I reckon most of us instinctively would want to take it home and nurture it? Not for some self gratification, but because within us all is that desire to help… to save. Are all humans called to be saviours at our core?
Would love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments.
Keely x