Closing the chapter on South America
Excuse me while I blow the cobwebs off this blog.
South America feels like an eternity ago, but we are back and we will never be the same. Not that anyone around us will probably realise, but South America fundamentally changed us forever. Not so much South America itself, but just circumstances and experiences that happened to us and around us during the time period we were away. If anyone has ever watched the TV show ‘life in pieces’ they will understand what I mean about lots of little stories all happening simultaneously, discrete from one another but ultimately all linked. That's how our time in South America felt. It wasn't just one story, the story of us in South America, it felt like there were all these little stories happening around us involving us directly or not, and all of it impacted and shaped us in ways we never expected.
People say travel changes you and it does, our first big adventure off into Japan and then living in Australia definitely changed us as people, but this changed us in a different way, I think it broke us a little. Then again when I look back, I think at times we were a little bit broken in Australia too.
Everything feels different now. We are different, our perception of people and circumstances are different, our priorities are different, our outlook on life is different. But I'm sure to the world we seem the same. I suppose that's the reality of your mental state, mostly invisible on the outside but glaringly obvious on the inside.
South America was very intense for us mentally, we felt very disconnected from our previous life. Everything was felt so deeply, and discussed in-depth and dwelled on, pondered and mulled over until you couldn't see beyond it. Every thought that came into your head stayed there and bounced around gaining traction as there were no distractions to dampen them. I remember saying to Philly, "life would be so much easier if we were stuck in the daily grind" and I stand by that statement. Life is easier when you're busy going through the motions, because you don't allow your self time to think, time to reflect, time to ponder deeply, time to question yourself, your life, your priorities, your future, your relationships. It's easy to go through the motions and to fill your time. And when there are no motions to go through, when everything is constantly new, everything is a challenge and every thought has time to brew… it's bloody hard. I'm sure a lot of people are experiencing excess time with their own thoughts due to the lockdown restrictions during this pandemic, I imagine there are a lot of thoughts bouncing around heads, realisations and priorities shifting, a lot of people longing to return to the daily grind and a lot of people realising they don't want to. Time in your own thoughts is painful and it’s jarring, but it’s very necessary.
I'm the type of person who can only write about what is in the forefront of their mind, so many random blogs are brewing in the background but none seem relevent until I close the psychological chapter that was our time in South America. I felt I couldn't write because many of the stories that shaped us weren't our own, but now I feel I can write again, I can write about us.
Our time in South America was spent deconstructing everything we thought about ourselves and our lives, and not by choice, but you can't choose where your mind goes, trust me I tried, I have battled with my subconscious and I lost miserably. I thought it was a dark time, but it wasn't dark, upon reflection I see it was more like a ridiculously vibrant time, where everything was so intensely colourful and rich, our emotions were all felt so deeply that sometimes we longed for grey, but I'm glad we don't live in the grey; it's safe and comforting, but it's not real. Life is colourful and painful and all-consuming to the point of exhaustion, but that's the vibrant life we should live, and that's what South America gave us.
Now as the world seems to be starting the process of returning to our new normality, more and more of us are re-entering the daily grind and with that comes a certain fear. A fear of the grey, I desperately hope that post pandemic, post South America we stay rich in-depth of colour, aware of what is important, conscious of our decisions, continually reflecting and re-evaluating and appreciating this gift of life. Now that I see these experiences were deep colour rather than darkness I feel I can write again and I will no longer yearn for the grey.